Shame
by rosecoloredglaz21
Summary: When Amanda discovers the pain that Olivia has been covering, what lengths will she go to to protect her boss? Rolivia Trigger warning for Domestic Violence
1. chapter 1

**Hey guys, I'm still trying to work on _Just Say Yes_ and my other unfinished pieces, but this idea came to mind so here it is! I hope you enjoy it and as always review and let me know what you think!**

She watched the morning sun rise over the tops of buildings from her vantage point on the roof of the precinct. Glancing at her watch, she checked the time and realized she had been there for four hours, hiding up on the rooftop, trying to get some peace and quiet. Going home was a gamble, she knew that, but she had done it anyway wanting to go home and rest after a long day at work, and hoping Brian would be in a good mood, but of course, she had been wrong. Opening a new pack of cigarettes she lit one up, no one knew she smoked, and she had quit for a long time, but with the stress of work and Brian she picked her old habit right back up, needing a stress reliever.

"Not so straight laced, huh Lieutenant?" a voice from behind her spoke. She whirled around and found herself face to face with Amanda who was wearing a satisfied smile. "I always knew you didn't follow _all_ the rules." She joked, pulling her own cigarettes from her pocket. "Can I borrow your lighter?" she asked, a cigarette perched between two pink lips, a slight smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. Without answering, Olivia produced her lighter from her pocket and extended her hand. When their hands touched, Amanda's smile faded.

"Jesus Liv, how long have you been out here? You're freezing." She took Olivia's hands in her own, rubbing some warmth back into them. It wasn't until it was pointed out that Olivia realized just how cold she was, she shivered in her thin sleeveless, blouse having forgotten a jacket before hiding on the roof in the early hours of the morning. "Did you go home last night? That's the same shirt you had on yesterday." Amanda questioned, suddenly realizing that something was off.

"Yes I went home last night." Olivia said, speaking for the first time since Amanda had arrived. She wasn't lying, she had gone home briefly the night before.

Amanda stepped closer to get a better look at Olivia, now worried about her boss. She could see a purple tint to the normally pink lips and saw a blush in her cheeks from the cold and a noticeable shiver as her teeth chattered quietly. "Liv, what the hell?" she asked as shed her own jacket and motioned for Olivia to put her arms in. Offering up no resistance, Olivia turned her back to Amanda to allow her to help her into the jacket, when suddenly Amanda gasp and pulled the jacket away, lightly touching Olivia's back. "Oh my god Liv. What the hell is going on?" She brushed her fingers lightly over the bruising that covered parts of her upper arms, little did she know those were only the ones visible. "What are these from Olivia?"

"Amanda… Please, just forget about it, alright?" Olivia said quietly, her shiver much worse now from the nerves she was experiencing. She slowly turned to face Amanda. "Please."

"Please what Liv? Tell me where you got these bruises." Amanda said firmly, she had noticed Olivia changing over the past few weeks, and she had witnessed a few arguments between her and Brian, but she had never imagined this. "Are they from Brian?" she asked, anyway knowing the answer. It turned her stomach to imagine someone putting their hands on Olivia's in any way that wasn't loving.

Olivia didn't answer, she looked at the cigarette burning between her fingers, watched the ashes grow with each passing second. She sank down to ground in front of the brick wall she had been leaning against. Her body began to shake with the sobs racking her body, she hadn't cried up until that point, choosing instead to ignore what was going on, hoping maybe it would stop. Before she knew it, Amanda was sitting in front of her, pulling her into a tight hug and wrapping her jacket around the older woman and rubbing soothing circles on her back.

"Shhh, it'll be okay Liv. It's gonna be fine, you don't have to go back there with him. You're gonna be fine." She hushed, placing small kisses into the soft brown hair. Her heart was breaking. Never before had she seen Olivia so broken, so upset and seeking physical comfort like she was in that moment, her fingers gripping the material of Amanda's flannel shirt.

"I don't know what to do." Olivia cried, leacing a wet patch on the shoulder of Amanda's shirt.

"Hey, look at me." Amanda said, pulling back enough to look Olivia in the face. She brushed away hair from her eyes and gave her a light smile when Olivia looked up and meet her eyes, tears clinging to her lashes. "Everything is going to be fine, okay? You don't have to hold this anymore, I'll call Fin and he and I will go get some of your things and can stay with me for as long as you need. You don't have to worry about anything Liv." She knew she was being bold by telling Olivia to stay with her. They weren't all that close, in fact they were usually arguing, up until recently, things had been tense between them. She just couldn't stomach the idea of Olivia being alone during all of this, she had already been through so much.

"You don't have to do that Amanda, I don't want to make Brian any more angry than he already is with you and Fin going to our apartment and getting my things." She said uneasily, if she was honest she was more embarrassed at that moment then she could remember ever having been before. The fact that she worked sex crimes and told women often how they didn't deserve the abuse they suffered, that they had other choices, but was stuck in an abusive relationship of her own made her feel like a hypocrite.

"Don't you worry about Brian, we will deal with him okay?" Amanda said firmly, wiping away stay tears from Olivia's face. "Alright, let's go inside and get you warmed up while I give Fin a call." She helped Olivia to her feet and they made their way back into the building, into the warmth.

After she had gotten Olivia settled onto the sofa in her office wrapped in a blanket with a hot cup of tea on the table in front of her, Amanda made her way to the cribs to make that important phone call. Checking the time, she figured Fin would probably still be asleep as he wasn't due into work for almost another two hours she called anyway. After three rings he picked up.

"Tutuola." He said his voice thick with sleep.

"Fin, it's Amanda. I need your help with something." Amanda said, knowing that would wake him up quickly. He was always ready to help a friend.

"What's going on?" he said as he cleared his throat.

"It's Liv."

"Is she okay? Where is she?"

"She's at the precinct with me, and yeah I guess she's okay. Apparently Cassidy doesn't know how to keep his hands to himself. I found her out on the roof just a little while ago freezing cold and in the same clothes she had on yesterday. When I asked her about the bruises on her arms she started crying. I told her that you and I would go get her some things from their apartment and that she is going to stay with me for a while." Amanda relayed all of the information she had so far, feeling her anger rising with each word.

"That son of a bitch." Fin said, his anger evident in the way his voice shook. Amanda knew he saw Olivia as a sister and her would do anything to protect her. "I'll meet you at her apartment, I'm leaving now."

"Just wait for me to get there before you go up. You know how Cassidy is, if you rough him up he will report you."

"I'll wait for you, don't worry." She could hear the jingle of keys in the back ground and the slamming of a door just before he ended the call. She slid her phone back into get pocket and made her way to the Lieutenants office to check on her. Seeing that she was sleeping soundly, she quietly closed the door and left Carisi a note on his desk telling him that she and Fin would be back soon in case he arrived before they made it back to the precinct.

As she weaved her way into the morning traffic she felt a lump growing in her throat. She was so angry. Olivia deserved so much better than what she was getting and she couldn't see how someone could treat her the way that Brian Cassidy had. She couldn't change what had happened, but she could make damn sure it wouldn't happen again.


	2. Chapter 2

As Amanda pulled up in front of Olivia's building, she spotted Fin standing next to the front door. She got out of the car and approached him.

"Hey."

"So how long has this been going on?" he asked, crossing his arms over his chest, trying to control his anger.

"I'm not sure actually. Not long I don't think, but long enough. Is he here?" she asked, knowing Fin would have already checked for his car.

"His car is in the lot, so I'm pretty sure he is." He opened the front door and led the way to the elevators. It was a short ride to Olivia's floor and an even shorter walk from the elevator to her apartment.

"Cassidy, open up!" Fin shouted as he banged on the apartment door. Amanda stood silently, choosing to let Fin deal with Brian while she gathered a bag of Olivia's belongings.

"What the hell is the problem?" Brian asked as he flung the door open, revealing the two very pissed off detectives. "Fin, what are you doing here? Is Liv okay?"

Fin reached in and grabbed him by the shirt collar, shoving him backwards into the apartment. "What a nice guy, asking if she's okay. As if you don't already know the answer to that question." He was fuming.

"Alright, alright!" Brian shouted, putting his hands up. "It's not what you think though!"

"Why don't you tell me what it is then asshole, because from what little I know I think you need your ass kicked!" Fin shouted, shoving Brian backwards, causing him to trip over the coffee table and stumble over onto the floor.

"Fin hold on, were not here to hurt him, as much as I would love to do that, we're here to get Olivia's clothes. He's not worth it." Amanda said, gripping Fin's jacket at the elbow. He took a step back and crossed his arms over his chest, his eyes never leaving Cassidy.

Amanda went into the bedroom and began putting clothes, toiletries, and things she thought Olivia might want into a large duffle.

"I didn't mean to hurt her Fin." She could hear Cassidy saying from the living room where he was still sitting in the for with Fin standing over him.

"I'm sure that's why I got a call at six o'clock this morning from Amanda telling me that she found Liv freezing cold on the roof of the precinct, she's got bruises and was crying, why don't you shut the hell up before I beat the hell out of you Cassidy. I have no pity for your sorry ass. And while you're at it maybe stop drinking like a fish you fucking drunk." Fin growled, she could tell he was quickly losing control and was very close to hitting Cassidy. She zipped the bag and joined him in the living room where Cassidy was now crying, unconvincingly.

"I think I've got enough for now, let's go." She looked around the apartment and was disgusted by the amount of alcohol bottles and cans strewn about. Olivia's purse was still on the table by the door, and her cell phone was laying next to it. She was overcome with many different emotions at the thought of Olivia leaving in such a hurry, leaving everything behind, because she was so afraid. She turned to Cassidy. "Stand up and quit crying, you weren't crying when you knocked Olivia around, so knock it off." As he stood he kept his eyes on Fin, wanting to be aware of any sudden attack by the man who was cutting straight through him with his gaze. "Let me make sure you understand something. If you come near Olivia again, if you call her, if you text her, anything at all it won't be Fin you have to worry about beating your ass. You're used to hitting women aren't you? Do anything stupid and you'll find out what is like to have one put you in your place." She shoved a finger into his chest a few times to solidify her point, and she could almost hear the smirk Fin was now wearing. The look of shock on Cassidy's face was enough of an answer for her, so as she made her way to the door she grabbed Olivia's purse and phone and opened the door, waiting for Fin to follow her.

They didn't speak to each other until they walked out of the building when Fin grabbed her by the arm.

"You did good up there Manda. I think you scared him more than me by the time we left." He smiled, his anger lessened a bit by that time.

"Well I meant every word of what I said."

"Oh I know you did. I'll see you back at the precinct." He grabbed the duffle bag and put it in his car and drove away, leaving Amanda to follow behind him. The whole drive back she couldn't help but thinking she would do anything she needed to do to protect Olivia and help her through this, she just hoped that Olivia would let her.

XXXXX

"Rollins." She answered her phone just as she was on her way up to the squad room.

"Hey Amanda." Olivia spoke quietly on the other end of the line. "I just realized I don't have my cell phone and I thought maybe I left it at the apartment. If you're already on your way back don't worry about it, I just thought.." she trailed off.

"I'm already back Liv, I'll be there in just a minute. We got your cell phone and your purse, don't worry about anything." She reassured her boss, a feeling sadness washing over her once again. "I'm walking into the squad room now okay? I'll see you in a second."

"Okay." Olivia said quietly before hanging up the phone and slowly opening her office door to find Amanda just a few feet away. Fin had left the duffle bag just outside of the door, not wanting to disturb Olivia or cause her any possible embarrassment at his involvement. She gestured for Amanda to come into her office, closing the door once they were both inside.

"Thank you Amanda. I'll thank Fin later, he didn't hit Brian did he?" she asked, knowing already that Fin would have been more than angry.

"No, no, he didn't hit him. He wanted to, we both did, but no one hit him. We just wanted to get your things so you didn't have to." Amanda said, shoving her hands into the pockets of her jeans, suddenly nervous but she wasn't sure why. She looked at Olivia, noticing her eyes were dry and life had come back into them, a total change from what she looked like just a little while ago. "You should go change and do whatever you need to. I'll have Fin man your office in case we get a call or something."

"I'll be quick." Olivia said hurriedly, not wanting to put anyone or any more than she already had. She picked up the duffle containing her clothes and put it on the couch. As she opened it, she found a photograph resting on top of her clothes. It was of her and her mother not long before she died. She had worked hard that morning to get herself together, to rein in her emotions but at the sight of that picture the dam broke and the tears began to flow once again. She turned to Amanda and pulled her into her arms, into a tight hug, still holding the picture frame. "Thank you Amanda."

"Hey, hey what's going on? Why are you crying?" Amanda asked, holding Olivia tightly to her.

"This picture, it's really the only thing I wanted. It's one of the only ones I have of her." She pulled back and traced a finger over glass of the picture frame, the memories of that day they had spent together coming back to her. Her mother was sober for a short while and they started getting along and spending time together. That day they had made a trip to the Botanical Garden.

"It was on your bedside table, you see it when you fall asleep, and when you wake up in the mornings. I thought maybe it was something you'd want to have with you." She said in awe of Olivia at that moment, the look on her face a mixture of upset and nostalgia, there was something else there she could put a name to. She could feel the sting of her own tears threatening to escape as she watched Olivia mouth turn up into a slight smile.

"I don't know what to say." Olivia said, that smile still lightly playing on her lips, mixing with the tears hanging on her lashes. She reached out and held Amanda's hand in her own before a knock on the door interrupted her. "Come in." she called out, her eyes still locked onto Amanda's.

"Hey Lieutenant, we got a possible Vic out here asking to speak to a female, she's pretty jumpy around me." Carisi said as he poked his head in door. Once the state Olivia was in hit him his expression changed. "Everything okay?"

"Yes everything is fine, Amanda, could you go speak with her while I deal with this?" she gave Amanda a knowing look, nodding towards the squad room.

"I'm already on it Lieu." She headed towards the door, forcing Carisi out with her. He gave her a questioning stare as she drug him away from Olivia's office by the sleeve of his suit jacket. "Didn't you get my note? I left it on your desk."

"Well yeah I got a note, but it didn't tell me anything was wrong with Liv. You just said you and Fin went to handle something and would be back soon." He crossed his arms over his chest, much the same way Fin did when he was aggravated. "You gonna tell me what's going on?"

"No. Where's the Vic?" Amanda said, looking past Carisi at a woman sitting next to her desk. "Never mind."

"Rollins." He whined.

"Look, if she wants to tell you okay, but it's not my business to share, so stop." She continued on her way to her desk, flipping the switch from friend to detective.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hope you guys enjoy this, as always, leave me a review and let me know what you think!**

The rest of the day drug on slowly. Amanda found herself checking on Olivia constantly, glancing at her office, peeking in to give her a friendly smile, asking if she needed anything. She had witnessed the aftermath of her thanking Fin for helping out this morning, the signs that Fin was emotional written all over his face and watery eyes. Olivia on the other hand hadn't done so much to try and hide her emotions, leaving stray tears behind on her cheeks to dry themselves. She looked plain exhausted, she hadn't slept the night before, and less than an hour in the early morning, it was all she could do not to collapse each time she sat down at her desk.

Just after five o'clock Amanda shut down her computer and gathered her things, making her way to Olivia's office. She knocked lightly on the door. "Hey Liv, you ready to go?" she asked, leaning into the doorframe.

"Actually I think I'll drive separate to your apartment. I need to finish up some paperwork here. I should only be a couple of hours." She smiled, it wasn't a real smile though, it didn't reach he eyes, they were sad and tired.

"Not gonna happen. Come on, pack it up. You can do paperwork in my living room just as easily as you can here in the office." She crossed her arms over her chest and mocked seriousness. She was serious, but she was also mimicking some of the things Olivia had once told her. Olivia chuckled, immediately knowing what Amanda was doing. She looked at her, smiling honestly this time and relented. How could she say no to her?

"Yes ma'am." She gathered her paperwork and laptop into her bag and stood. Reaching for the duffle containing the things Amanda had gotten for her earlier that day, Amanda stopped her.

"You just grab your purse, I've got this Liv."

"I'm capable of carrying it Amanda, you really don't have to do that." She said, reaching once more for the bag when Amanda lightly swatted her hand away.

"I know you are, but I've got it." She smiled at Olivia and picked up the bag and walked out of the office. Olivia shook her head, but smiled nonetheless.

The two women didn't speak much on the way to Amanda's apartment. The radio was playing country music that Olivia didn't care for, but she enjoyed watching Amanda. She tapped the steering wheel with her hand and nodded along to the music as if she was alone in the car. She has never seen the blonde so relaxed and laid back. It helped Olivia's anxieties lessen, but the chill from that morning seemed to have settled right to her bones, making it difficult to stay warm, she was still cold with her coat on, and with the heat blasting through the cars vents. Even though her hands we're numb she smiled at Amanda, humming along to the music, ignoring the world around her. She was happy to have something calm and happy to end her day.

"Liv? Are you okay?" Amanda asked, turning down the music. They were almost to her apartment.

"Yeah, I'm fine, why?" she asked confused, she felt fine.

"You've been staring at me for five minutes. Not that I mind a whole lot." She turned and gave her a sly smile. "But I do feel like you should blink at some point."

"I'm just thinking about how thankful I am that you helped me today." She looked away from Amanda and out the window where the rain was starting up again. "I'd have went back there tonight if you hadn't found me on the roof. Honestly, I'm not sure I would've told anyone what was happening. So, thank you for not minding your own business." She turned and gave her a smile, but there were tears in her eyes. She knew she'd never be able to repay Amanda for helping her the way she had, but she was going to try.

"You don't have to thank me Liv. I mean look at all the times you got me out of trouble, and those times were my fault, no one else's. You needed help, so I helped." She shrugged nonchalantly, trying to keep it light although her heart swelled in her chest with emotion at hearing Olivia's confession that she wouldn't have told anyone. "You don't deserve to be treated that way Liv. No one does, but you do so much good for so many people."

Olivia looked over at Amanda who was more staring at the road in front of her, she was no longer nodding to the music, or tapping the steering wheel, she looked sad. She felt bad, Amanda was in such a good mood just a moment ago, and now it looked as if she was fighting off tears.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." Olivia said, reaching over and taking one of Amanda's hands in her own. The heat from Amanda's hand seemed to penetrate to Olivia's bones.

"You didn't upset me Liv, you're fine. This whole situation is just kind of sad." She squeezed the cold hand in hers. "You do know that you're worth allot more than the way he was treating you, right?" she turned to Olivia as she parked the car and turned off the engine. "Liv?"

Olivia sat quietly for a moment, just looking back at Amanda, the misty look in Amanda's eyes now being reflected in her own. She knew Amanda was right, yes she was worth more than the way she had been treated, but she couldn't say those words or even agree out loud. She sighed. "Can we just go inside, I don't feel like getting into all those emotions at the moment Amanda."

"Okay, let's go inside." Amanda relented. She decided to let it go for the moment. Of course Olivia knew her with, she had to, but something was off. She knew she must be feeling a myriad of emotions after what she had been going through, then having it exposed so suddenly, so she decided a quiet stress-free evening was what she needed, the rest could be dealt with later.

"My guest room isn't set up at the moment, I never really have visitors over night." Amanda said sheepishly, setting Olivia's bag down in the living room while she shed her coat and boots, Olivia following suit. "So you've got my bed tonight and I'll take the couch, and I'll get the guest room together by tomorrow night hopefully."

"Absolutely not." Olivia said in a tone that startled Amanda. "I'm not kicking you out of your bed."

"Well you're not sleeping on the couch." Amanda countered, crossing her arms over her chest. "That is not happening."

"Amanda, don't be stubborn. I'm not kicking you out of your bed." Olivia said, cruising her arms over her chest, mirroring Amanda, fixing her with a challenging stare.

"I just want you to get a good night's sleep and my couch is not very comfortable to sleep on, it's not very big so you won't be able to stretch out, you'll be cramped up. Just take my bed, please?" for a moment Olivia was quiet, considering what Amanda had just said.

"Okay, I'll sleep in your room." She finally said.

"Thank you." Amanda said with a smile, leaning down to pick up Olivia's bags to take them into her bedroom.

"We can just share it." She heard Olivia say from the living room.

 _Oh man, what have I gotten myself into?_ Amanda asked herself, looking down at her full sized bed. _Might as we be a twin bed._ She sighed. _It's going to be a long night._


	4. Chapter 4

**Here you go, I'm back guys, not 100% but im trying to get myself together enough to get some of my fics where they need to be. I apologize for going MIA again, and I wont say its the last time because i tend to do that sometimes. You guys just gotta bear with me and be patient. I appreciate those who continue to read my stories even when I'm not present, it honestly helps me knowing you guys care enough to continue and be patient with me.** **As always, let me know what you think. I've not been competely mentally present so im not sure how great this chapter will be.** **Also im trying to work on my other fics soooo, be patient, no promises.**

The two women sat silently together on Amanda's couch as some corny sitcom played on the television. They ordered pizza and drank wine. Amanda hoped it would calm both of their nerves, enough that Olivia would open up and talk about what had been going on with Brian.

She couldn't help but let her mind wonder to the fact that they'd be sharing a bed tonight, a relatively small bed at that. Being in such close proximity to the Lieutenant in bed made her think inappropriate thoughts. She tried her best to rid her mind of them.

"What are we even watching?" Olivia asked, finally breaking the silence.

"I'm not sure, it's an older show though. Do you want to watch something else?" Amanda asked, extending the remote in case Olivia wanted to change the channel.

"I'm not really watching it anyways, but thank you." Then the silence came back, covering the room like a thick blanket of questions. After a long, quiet few minutes Amanda decided to ask.

"So Liv, if you don't mind me asking, when did all this Brian stuff start?" Amanda asked, hesitantly, not wanting to upset her boss.

After a long silence, Olivia spoke up. "A few weeks ago I guess. He's been drinking allot, you know with everything going on with work, he's always off. It's like they're pushing him out or something. So he drinks when he's not working. And when he drinks, he really drinks. And he gets mad allot, over small things. When he gets like that I try to leave but sometimes I can't. He pulls me back into the apartment and accuses me of cheating on him because he says I don't love him anymore." She says, everything pouring out of her at once as if a dam had broke inside of her and everything she had been holding in came spilling out.

"Do you?" Amanda asked hesitantly.

"Do I what?" this was not the question Olivia had expected next.

"Do you still love him?" she asked, as if a yes or no answer would suffice that question.

Olivia just looked at her, unaware that tears had begun to fall silently.

"Liv, not loving someone anymore doesn't make you a bad person. In fact, after everything you've gone through, and I'm not just talking about Brian, it would be normal for you not to love him anymore. You were with him before all the Lewis stuff happened, and you're a different person now." Amanda said in a caring tone, close to the one she used with victims. She reached forward and wiped away the tears from Olivia's face. "No one would judge you if you weren't in love with him anymore." She smiled warmly as Olivia finally met her gaze.

"I don't think I do." She finally said sadly. "I don't think I have for a long time but I didn't want to admit that it was over."

"And that's perfectly okay, Liv. You're a wonderful person, and you deserve the world." The wine causing a distant buzz at the base of Amanda's skull, making her more bold as her feelings started to surface. "You are a beautiful, intelligent, strong woman. And if Brian doesn't see your worth, fuck him, he's an idiot." Both women now had tears in their eyes as they gazed at each other with linked hands. Something had definitely shifted with both women, and both could feel it. They didn't know exactly how to describe it, but they both knew words weren't necessary.

"How about we go to bed, we can talk more in the morning about whatever you'd like." Amanda suggested, not wanting to push Olivia emotionally. Olivia nodded her agreement with a slight smile. "You go ahead and get ready and I'll clean this up and meet you in there in ten minutes."

Olivia made her way to the bathroom, her mind heavy with thoughts of Brian, and someone else she didn't expect; Amanda Rollins. It wasn't the simple thoughts of Amanda helping her or taking care of her, but thoughts of the blondes hands roaming her body in ways she blushed to think about. After she was changed into comfortable clothes, she walked into Amanda's bedroom hesitantly, as if she were invading her personal space, and in a way she was, but Amanda wanted her there. She had o keep reminding herself of that fact, having been used to such strict personal rules.

"Don't touch my things."

"Mind your fucking business, you don't care anyway."

She was still standing in the doorway of the bedroom, lost deep in thoughts and memories when Amanda approached her from behind. She could see that Olivia wasn't entirely present in the moment so instead of reaching out and touching her arm, she spoke.

"Liv? Are you okay?" she said, worry etched in her face, laced in her voice. After a moment of silence she tried again. "Olivia, it's me, Amanda, are you okay?" this time she did reach out an touch Olivia lightly on the arm, causing Olivia to jerk away and turn around faster than what was necessary, a look of shock and fear clear on her face.

"Amanda?" Olivia asked as if she didn't believe her own eyes that Amanda was standing in front of her. To prove it to herself even further, she reached out and ran her fingers lightly along the blondes jaw, earning a shiver from Amanda. She closed her eyes, reveling in the touch as Olivia's hand traveled down the side of her neck.

"Liv, are you okay?" Amanda asked quietly. Her skin on fire where Olivia had touched her, leaving her yearning for more.

"Yeah I'm okay." Olivia breathed, she too was left wanting more. "Are you okay?" she asked, looking directly into Amanda's darkening blue eyes, her arousal evident.

"I think we should go to bed now." Amanda said, wondering if Liv had caught her double meaning. Olivia simply nodded and turned to the bed.

"Uhm, which side do you prefer?" Olivia asked, looking at the small bed in Amanda's bedroom.

"Either is fine, I usually end up in the middle anyway, it doesn't really matter." Amanda shook her head, trying to clear it of the thoughts running wild just a moment ago. She watched Olivia climb into bed and make herself comfortable before she joined her. Walking around to the other side of her bed she gently climbed in, taking care not to jostle the brunette while she did it.

"Amanda you don't have to be so careful with me, you're okay you know?" Olivia teased, bumping Amanda lightly with her elbow, earning a grin from the blonde to her right. They just smiled at each other for a few long minutes. The silly grins and occasional giggles faded into longing looks, and urges to just reach out and touch the other one. After a while, Olivia gave in; she reached across the distance between them, her fingers gently touching Amanda's cheek, tucking her golden blond hair behind an ear so she could see her face. She was beautiful, so, so beautiful it almost hurt Olivia to look at her, knowing she shouldn't, no couldn't have her, couldn't touch her, shouldn't be having such thoughts.

"Liv, I know what you're thinking, but I don't think it's a good idea at the time." Amanda said, breaking the silence that had covered the room. As much as it hurt her to turn Olivia down, because God she wanted her, she was way too vulnerable right now and she didn't want to take advantage of her in this state. The saddened look on Olivia's face was nearly enough for her to give in, it simply broke her heart to see Olivia look that way. "Not that I don't want to, because god do I want to, you have no idea. But I would feel like I'm taking advantage of you. You only just opened up about the abuse Liv." She explained, hoping to get rid of some of Olivia's worry.

"Don't you understand Amanda? I'm craving a kind touch, a loving touch, and I only want you to be the one to do it. If its because I'm your boss, I get it, I would understand that. But does that really matter? We're both adults, it shouldn't matter because I know you want me as much as I want you." Olivia said, her confidence in that never wavering.

Amanda's jaw went slack, she hadn't been hiding her feelings nearly as well as she had thought. The emotion she saw in Olivia's eyes was different than what she had seen over the course of the day, it was passionate and deep instead of the hurt distant look she had been showing. As much as she wanted to, Amanda couldn't speak, her voice hidden away somewhere deep inside her.

"Are you saying I'm wrong? Am I reading too much into something, creating things in my head? Because I'm going to have to be honest, I won't believe that for a second." Olivia said, starting to ramble and not allowing Amanda to get a word in edgewise. "Can you please just say something?"

"Liv, it's not because you're my boss. Its got nothing to do with that. I do not trust myself to not let it go too far, if I allowed myself to touch you, I wouldn't be able to stop. If I kissed you I wouldn't be able to pull away, even if it was just to take a breath. It's all I can do seeing you walk into a room and not launch myself on you." She stood up from the bed, on a roll now. It was as if every thought she'd had about Olivia was spilling out of her mouth, leaving her unable to stop it. She paced the floor next to the bed.

Olivia remained silent, allowing Amanda to release her pent up feelings. "How can you think I'm just turning you down? Do you honestly believe that? I said no because after what you've been through what kind of person would I be if I took advantage of you? And what if you're just needing comfort and you don't feel the same way as I do, I can't do this and have you regret it in the morning. That would destroy me." She turned and faced Olivia now, her hands shaking and her eyes watery. She hadn't meant to blow up the way she had, but she needed Olivia to know.

Olivia, who had been sitting silently watching Amanda in awe, the way she poured herself out, the way she fought an obvious internal battle with herself. Slowly Olivia crawled to the side of the bed where Amanda stood. She reached out and took Amanda's hand and laid it on her chest, over her heart, which was beating wildly out of control. "I would never regret a second with you." She said, her words filled with such emotion, they caused the tears threatening to spill from Amanda's eyes to finally take that plunge and spill down her face. Olivia reached with her other hand and wiped them away, giving her a loving smile. "I wouldn't regret you, Amanda, there's no way in hell. Do you feel my heart? YOU do that to me, just being near you does that to me. I should've left him sooner. I would've had I known you felt the same way. I could never regret you." She slid her arm around Amanda's small waist and pulled her close so they were face to face. So close that she could feel the breaths coming from Amanda's perfect mouth, lingering with her own breath. "I. Want. You. Amanda." She breathed before closing the distance between them. At the very least she needed to kiss the blonde, not that she thought it would be easy to stop there. She knew it would be very difficult to stop, but she also respected Amanda's wishes. If she truly didn't want to do this, Olivia would back off. But from what she had just heard, Amanda had wanted this for a long time. When their lips met, it was as if fireworks went off behind Amanda's eyes, the room went silent and nothing else existed. It wasn't hurried or fast, but slow, and gentle. It didn't last long but they both knew no more words were needed after that kiss. They finally pulled away from each other, looking into the others eyes longingly, but somehow they both knew that was as far as they should go that night.

"Now, I think we should go to bed. You're right, I don't trust myself enough not to take it as far as it will go. But tonight, that's really all I need." Olivia said, shifting back some to give Amanda some room to climb into bed next to her.

Slowly, Amanda made her way into the bed next to Olivia. She was content, confused, but content. And the thought of getting to sleep next to Olivia, get to cuddle Olivia, finally be able to feel her. As she settled into the bed they both lay down facing each other. There was a silence now settling on the room like a thick blanket covering them. It was Olivia who broke the silence with a nervous giggle.

"God! I feel like a nervous teenager having just told my 'crush' that I 'like like' them. And now were laying in bed not touching each other, just staring." She laughed, causing Amanda to laugh with her.

"That's pretty much how this feels, should we I don't know, cuddle a bit or something? You know, be adults about it?" Amanda asked with a smile, a hopeful smile.

"I like the idea of that." Olivia said, a relieved sigh escaping her. She scooted closer to Amanda and hesitantly laid her head on the blondes chest, laying an arm over her stomach and holding her close.

Amanda, understanding that Olivia needed to be held, instinctively wrapped an arm around the brunettes waist, pulling her even closer. Without anymore words, Olivia easily drifted off to sleep, leaving Amanda awake to wonder about everything that had just transpired between them.

 ** _"I would never regret a second with you."_**

 ** _"I. Want. You. Amanda."_**

Olivia's words swirled around in her head in a mix, leaving her dizzy. She closed her eyes, praying that sleep would bring her dreams of the beautiful brunette sleeping soundly next to her. Perhaps tomorrow would bring more for them, obviously there was a lot they needed to talk about, and they would, they had to. She just prayed that Olivia was being honest when she said she would never regret being with the blonde. As sleep finally overtook her, the only thing on her mind was Olivia Benson.


End file.
